Proud To Have Known Her
by Sirabella
Summary: WORK IN PROGRESS. Continuation of The Quest. After Gabrielle breaks the news of Xena's death, Iolaus stays with her, helping her sort out their history with the warrior princess. In the process, he shares some things he thinks she needs to know.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my remedy for the shortness of Iolaus' and Gabrielle's reunion in "The Quest." I'm starting it just at the point before he leaves and twisting the storyline from there. Maybe there were a few things that didn't get said—I'm making them say some of those things. This story can be read as a depiction of a close friendship or a romance—there's a pretty thin line, I think, and anyway, their relationship is what it is and doesn't need to be classified. This means, for those of you who were wondering, that they're not gonna jump in the sack or anything :) Xena will also surface later in the story; those of you who have seen "The Quest" will also know that, like every good hero, she doesn't stay dead for long.

-

"I'd better get back to Hercules. Before the word of mouth does." He looked back at Xena's sarcophagus, taking a long, shuddering breath, silently burying her in his heart. When his eyes met Gabrielle's again, hers were filled with concern. He kissed her gently on the cheek, and she smiled slightly.

"Thank you." He nodded and turned to leave, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Gabrielle open her mouth to speak, then hurriedly shut it again and clench her hands on the lid of the coffin. He stood undecided for a moment, then turned back to her.

Placing a hand on hers, he asked: "What is it, Gabrielle?"

"I can't..." she whispered in a tone that—in a more self-centered person—would have been a whine.

"Tell me," he insisted, pulling her hands off the cold metal into his own. "What do you want to say?"

"I want to ask you to... to stay with me. Just 'til morning. You see," she added hesitantly, almost fearfully catching his gaze, "I have these dreams. Nightmares," she corrected decisively. "No, not even nightmares," she whispered to herself, her voice breaking as she recalled her nightly torment. "I see it. Again and again, every night, I wake up and I _know_ she's dead. I know it. It's not the same as knowing it right now," she explained at his worried and puzzled expression. "Right now I feel she's gone, I can feel the pain, but I can realize it as a fact, to some degree even see myself accepting it. But in the middle of the night, I... I can believe it was a dream. I see her die and I think I'm dreaming, that she's lying there next to me, that we'll both wake up in the morning. And then _I_ wake up. She stays in the box. And then I know she's really _gone_." Gabrielle paused for breath, smiling slightly when his hand started running soothingly through her hair. She blinked away the tears that were starting and continued. "I know you have to leave. It's just..."

She wanted to tell him how alone she felt, how much she needed Xena, how wonderful it was to have someone near again who cared about her. She couldn't finish the sentence, but Iolaus seemed to understand. "I can leave in the morning," he said simply and smiled warmly at the relief and gratitude that welled up in her eyes at his words. "Come here," he said softly, pulling her into his arms and holding her tightly for the fourth time since he'd arrived. She held on to him just as tightly, and both were reluctant to let go. "There's not much daylight left. We should make camp," he suggested, and she nodded, wiping hurriedly at her face.

Iolaus turned to scout out their surroundings, but he whirled around, amazed, at the sound of her giggle. "Looks like Argo's found us a spot," she laughed, pointing down the road at the horse, who was attacking tuft after tuft of grass with an almost vengeful appetite. Her laugh was lovely and unexpected; he could only stand and stare at her, motionless and admiring. She gave him a strange look and faltered, blushing slightly, making him feel guilty for emphasizing the incongruity of her laughter in the midst of their grief.

He tried to recapture the light mood she seemed to have woven around them. "Yeah, if Argo is anything like her mistress, she's staked her claim. We might as well accept it; we're slaves to a horse," he smirked.

It was Gabrielle's turn to look pleasantly surprised. She had been convinced, only two seconds ago, that it was too soon to talk about Xena in that way, that intimate, affectionately mocking way in which people remember their loved ones who have left them. Her laugh sounded... _free_. "Tell me something new. I've been Argo's lackey since the day we met. I guess she thinks she's too good for me." Iolaus snorted.

"Aristocratic little thing, aren't you," he crooned in a deceptively tender voice, stroking the horse's ears. Argo wasn't fooled, however, and gave him a look that pointedly said: 'If you think I'm falling for this one, think again, friend.'

"Uh oh," Gabrielle teased, "that's her 'I'm gonna get ya' face."

"Yes, well," and Iolaus' tone suddenly softened, "like her mistress, if you treat her like a lady, her bark is worse than her bite." Argo looked mystified, perhaps wondering if she had a double that was going about the countryside fooling people into thinking she had a softer side. Gabrielle, however, looked sympathetic.

In an equally soft tone, she replied: "You loved her, didn't you." It wasn't a question.

He flinched slightly. "I thought I did. Maybe. I never got the chance to find out. It wasn't real."

Gabrielle sighed and sank down on the grass, waiting for him to join her before she spoke. "Some part of it was. Xena was never one for girls' chats, but there was one night after a very, very long day. We were both so tired that we felt we needed something, some sort of connection, I guess, rather than sleep. We talked about so many things, things I had never told anyone before just flowed out of me, and I think it was the same for her. Anyway, we talked about what happened. She told me that she felt guilty for what she did to you, that she wished she could find some way to apologize that would be enough. She said—she said she wished she had had it in her then to give you what you really wanted."

Iolaus froze. "_Xena_ said that?"

Gabrielle smiled ruefully. "I know." There was silence between the two for a long while. Iolaus stretched out in the grass, thinking, his hands behind his head. Gabrielle sat staring up at the darkening sky, watching the clouds turn different shades and blow away on the evening breeze.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This chapter heavily references the first season _Xena: Warrior Princess_ episode "Prometheus," in which Gabrielle and Iolaus meet for the first time. If you're a real fan of the Iolaus/Gabrielle pairing, you've probably seen it, but I suggest you watch it (again) if you're confused. Actually, I suggest you watch it anyway; it's a great episode :)

-

"Gabrielle?"

"I'm here," she answered softly, unthinkingly. Both were suddenly reminded of their first adventure together; the reassurance in Gabrielle's response and their relative positions vividly recalled those precious moments in the cave to their memories.

"What will you do now?" he asked quickly. "Do you still want to be a traveling bard?"

"Yes and no," she answered with a flickering smile. "Telling stories is what I'm best at, I suppose. And goodness knows, my adventures have provided me with enough material for more scrolls than I can carry." They both grinned at this. "But no bard's academy could hold me and my big mouth," she finished, the humor not quite reaching her eyes. Iolaus saw this and grasped her hand where it lay in the grass near his shoulder. He said nothing; there was nothing to say. The life she loved was gone; it had melted away with the departing spirit of her dearest friend. Whatever she could glean from its remains could never be enough. "I'm so glad you're here," she blurted out suddenly, desperately, as if she had been trying not to say it but no longer felt able to hold back the words. "You're the only one who can understand."

"Gabrielle, I have to tell you something," he answered almost sharply. "When I was delirious, in the cave... no, it's too hard," and his voice rose, slightly panicked.

"Go on," she murmured gently, stretching out to lie down next to him in the grass. He reached out and took her face in his hands, wanting to ensure eye contact for his words.

"When we started the quest to free Prometheus, I was thinking about Xena, about our past. She and Hercules seemed to be renewing their friendship, so to speak, and it made me furious, at her, that she would do that right in front of me, after what the three of us had been through. And... oh, this is horrible..."

"Don't worry," Gabrielle said comfortingly. "Whatever it is, it's done."

"I was angry that they stuck me with babysitting the little girl while they explored whatever was between them. I felt like they were trying to get me out of the way." He quickly kissed her forehead and continued, "I started whistling a different tune once we started out. I saw that you were bright, loyal, witty and _good_. I told you you had a pure heart; I didn't tell you that I could feel your sweetness pouring off of you in waves." He stopped when Gabrielle let out a giggle. "Something funny?" he questioned, putting on a mock-hurt expression.

"I thought _I_ was the poet," she chuckled.

"Oh, go ahead, laugh it up, missy," he teased. "For your information, I'm not just a pretty face." Gabrielle's hysterical giggles were muffled in his vest, but two very unladylike snorts reached his ears quite clearly and set off his own laughter.

"You're a nut," she breathed through her helpless gasps.

"You started it," he protested through occasional bursts of hilarity. "_I_ was waxing poetic."

"Throughout which I was supposed to keep a straight face?" she exclaimed, incredulous.

He sobered instantly. "Well, it was the truth," he said quietly. Abruptly, he shook himself and smiled to erase the remorseful look from her face. He paused and took a breath; the next words were not easy to say. "When you found out about my injury, and I begged you not to say anything... when you told Xena we'd be right behind her... that was the moment I forgave her. For everything."

Gabrielle's head lifted from his shoulder, fixing her inquiring gaze on him. "What? Why?"

"Because I saw that she'd found someone who understood, someone who knew what it was to offer up everything you were on an altar, hoping that it was enough. I saw that you were ready to be that for her, to trust her with the person you were to become. I saw that she needed that. In spite of what she'd done to me, she _did_ need what I had offered, and that meant everything."

"But she didn't need it from you," Gabrielle admitted sadly.

"I don't blame her for that anymore either," he stated firmly, although his voice was low. "I'm just glad she learned to help instead of hurt."

Gabrielle smiled warmly, although her tone was amused when she spoke. "There are about three dozen warlords this side of Athens who might take issue with that assessment."

He grinned, appreciating her sense of timing. "And so they should. You start taking pity on defenseless little warlords, and then where are you? Pretty soon you're feeling sorry for Ares himself, and then you're in for a shock." Gabrielle grinned widely, and he felt his insides clench at the light in her eyes. Was he bringing this out in her, or was it just the comfort of remembering Xena with someone who shared some of the memories? He hoped it was the latter. Tonight, even their laughter was for Xena. They were both hers. She deserved that much from those she had loved. On the other hand, it was also a night for truth, and the truth was that Xena was not part of what came next. With a sigh, he drew them both back to his narrative. "And a shock is what I got when Xena appeared in that tent, but once it began to fade, I found myself wondering about you. What sort of girl would Xena share her life with? It's an interesting experience, being certain that a person is special and getting to know them in order to find out why."

"You men and your mysteries," Gabrielle huffed.

Iolaus smiled slightly. "Gabrielle, I think even you in your innocence knew that my attention ranged far and wide as far as women were concerned, and to be honest, I'm not sure I've outgrown it yet. And although my interest in you stemmed from your friendship with Xena, it certainly didn't end there." They clasped hands silently. There was no reason to say more. They both knew what had happened next. A first love... a discovery... a recognition, like a forgotten tune that resurfaces... a joy like the resolution of a lifelong search. They both felt uncomfortably removed from all of that now. "There's something else," Iolaus burst out. There was a strange catch in his voice, and Gabrielle found herself intensely curious about his next words. A deep breath before the plunge, then: "I heard the story, Gabrielle."


	3. Chapter 3

Silence. He felt Gabrielle drawing away from him, rising up to sit on her heels in the grass. "What did you say?" she asked softly. There was no recrimination, only utter disbelief. He was surprised, but it didn't give him the courage to look at her.

"I said... I heard you. I—I lied."

"Why?" she whispered. He still couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt; perhaps both. He swallowed his guilt; it was blocking his reply.

"Because I was afraid," he managed to say. "I wasn't ready for that to lie there, between us, both of us knowing... I was afraid you'd expect me to do something about it. After all, I was the one who knew what to do, right? I'd been in love before. But this, well... I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't admit it."

"Oh." Then: "Is that all?" she asked quietly. This did cause him to meet her eyes, almost involuntarily. "Huh?" was all he managed to let out.

Gabrielle smiled. "Don't look so much like a goldfish." Her smile faded as she considered her explanation. "It's true that we had different roads to travel, and what happened was really the only feasible route for both of us. But it all might have been easier with the knowledge that I'd found what I was looking for. Xena meant a lot to me, but..." She had been wrong, she realized; it was still too soon to say it. Iolaus said it for her.

"But you both knew, one day, you would have to say goodbye."

"Yes," she whispered. "And it might have been... nice... to know that I had something more—permanent—waiting for me, after..."

"Gabrielle... that's what I'm saying. I don't know that I could have made that promise."

"And you decided not to find out," Gabrielle stated flatly. Still there was no anger. He was puzzled.

"Not exactly," he said hesitantly. "I couldn't fix it in stone like that only to break that promise somewhere down the road. I couldn't do that to you." To his astonishment, she smiled wryly.

"Are you sure that's the reason?" she asked, knowingly raising an eyebrow at him. He was annoyed now.

"Is there a reason why you won't take my word for it?" he demanded. His eyes widened when she suddenly laughed.

"Yes, there is," she affirmed. "Because it's what you've been trying to get yourself to believe. You're a good man, Iolaus, a hero, in fact, but you're not quite that noble, because nobody is." He took a moment out of his perplexity to mourn the loss of her innocence as she stopped to take a breath. "I'm sure you considered my feelings. You were trying to be gentle with me, knowing that someone so new to those emotions could very easily be squashed like a bug under your boot. But you can't make me believe that all your fears and reservations were only for me. You can't tell me that you were only trying to give me my freedom. You wanted yours, too, although that's not the whole of it, either."

"Well, then, please, let me in on my own thoughts. I'm very interested to know," he retorted, but his petulance was feigned; he was enjoying her demonstration of how well she knew him.

"You didn't want to make the promise to yourself, and if I thought you hadn't heard me, then it would be a simple thing to drop the subject entirely. What you really feared was hope," and her voice dropped a notch as it became more penetrating. "You knew that all those months apart, on the road, never knowing when we might meet again, would educate me, shall we say, and if we solidified what we had, if you allowed yourself to believe in that future, then it would hurt too badly when I found that with someone else."

Neither spoke for some time. Iolaus took a deep breath; her words pained him. Sometimes he considered the idea that truth was some kind of invisible barbed wire that flew through the air at people. But it was time for the whole truth, whether he ended up bleeding from it or not. "Guess I'm not that good at self-preservation," he mumbled, hoping that she would hear him, and also that she wouldn't. She took him utterly by surprise when she laughed happily, cuddling close to him once more. Her words left him speechless.

"I thought as much," she whispered joyfully. He threw his arms around her and kissed her fiercely on the crown of her head.

"You take my breath away," Iolaus whispered to her. Tears sprang to her eyes; the awe and affection in his voice, the promise they had finally made to one another, the sudden knowledge that Xena was here somehow, blessing them, helping them to heal—all of it seemed to sweep out over her control, and she was no longer afraid to cry in front of him. She spoke haltingly as she wept, and Iolaus' fingers wound themselves through her hair as everything she felt—for him, for Xena, for wasted time and different journeys—poured out with the remains of her grief.


End file.
